May-day

Just sharing some thoughts:
I just recently realized that, while I had not been the one to be broken-up with for most (if not all) of my life, my last three girlfriends dumped me, within a year-and-a-half span. Not sure exactly what this means. Am I becoming less desirable? I think I may be mentally-unable to grow, and for most women they want an adult. I still live with my dad, in the town where I grew up.

Am I a failure? Maybe.

But I'm working towards more, i.e. hosting a radio show, getting cleared to take PEGTV's cameras.... I think I need to move, soon. Not a lot of opportunity in this small Vermont town. Denver, maybe? Cali? I'll look into it...

Besides I have a great girlfriend, now, who works hard and goes to school. She has her own place and her own car. Of course she has her own problems, too, but nothing I'm not willing to try to help her resolve.

I have decided today to quit drinking. Too many nights of drunken debauchery waking up in my own waste. Sick of it. Besides, my mind stays clearer (even when I'm not drunk), and I'm sure it's healthier not to poison myself. Especially since I don't seem to have an 'off' switch- I drink until I want to sleep, which doesn't seem to work out too well. Expensive and it is, ultimately, a depressant. Regardless, I'm done with it.


I also resolve to not leave so much time between blog-posts. This outlet helps me to get things off my chest when there isn't anyone I can talk to, or feel comfortable sharing with.

Thanks for reading. Please, feel free to comment.

Youth Brigade - "I Hate My Life" BYO Records - YouTube

So even though this sounds negative, I think that the message is positive. I think I first heard this back in '97 or '98, and still think it's fan-fucking-tastic.

<iframe width="420" height="345" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/_IJrWu3CNvo" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>


'via Blog this'

Two.

So I don't know why I woke up at 7 this morning. I didn't even crash out until almost 3. I decided to write, since I'm up so early. So here I am. Sometimes surrounded by people who claim to care about me and/or my life. Lately, though, I see through the bullshit. In the end it'll just be me, so why should you care?! I've had it with people, who seem to think that no matter what they have to do or who they have to crush on the way to their own happiness makes no difference at all. I had a girl, once. I had all kinds of friends, once. But you just have to let it all fall away, because as time passes it becomes visible. Those who never truly cared about any of the things they claimed to care about.

"I was sittin' in my room
starin' at the wall, thinkin 'bout everything
but then again I was thinkin' bout nothing."

I miss those days, sometimes. As hard as it is to admit that I almost enjoyed my time at OBC as a teenager, some bonds formed there, at least in my mind, that are solid. Remain solid. Not that I'm still friends with anybody who was there with me, but some of the friendships that were had there, and things experienced there, will forever be burned into my mind. Remember ST, James?



...'cause I'll never forget.

One.

So here it is, the loneliest number. This being my first blog, I thought I'd just delve right into it, and share what's in my head (since nobody ever asks).

First off, I just wanted to say how nice it feels to have a forum to discuss any thoughts I may have at any given time. I can share, and people can respond. It's new to me, and I feel kind of excited about it. Here goes...

So I have a few issues that have been tumbling around in my brain- some for quite awhile, and some for a lesser amount of time, but they are definitely brooding in there, so I just want 'em out!

First, I want to talk about my ex-girl of almost 2 years. I realize 2 years really isn't that long, but it feels substantial.
So her and I had been living together for almost a year and a half. Our lease expired, so rather than renew it we moved into a friends house, temporarily, until we could find a new one. We stayed in an extra bedroom, both of us sharing a twin bed. While I was looking for a new place to live, it seemed every time I had prospects to show her (which was pretty much every day), she shot me down. "The lease is too long." That was usually the response I got.
So anyways over the course of about a month, I began drinking heavily (which subsequently means blacking out a lot), and she just got sick of me. She broke it off (not before asking for ONE MORE), but later found out she cheated on me. SHE told me that she heard that I had cheated, while I never had. I wonder, "Did he tell you that before or after he got into YOUR pants?!" Anyways it's insubstantial, because it was almost a year ago...

Still, after that I feel kind of used up.

Came back home. Now I'm back in the town that I grew up in. I like it here, except that I know so many people, here. A lot of the 'wrong' people, if you know what I mean. Plus I've been bored and drink a lot at times, and while I enjoy being shithoused as much as the next guy, it seems people don't like the 'drunk' me, so I have been jumped 3 times since I moved back. No matter, though; karma'll get 'em.

So this girl that I had been seeing for a few months, and had kind of 'moved-in' with me, just left me. Her explanation was that I hit her. I was intoxicated on the night in question, so my recollection is hazy, but I have managed to collect and compile numerous tales of the night. Basically she slapped me. Numerous times. When I couldn't talk her down from hitting me, I pushed her off. She drunkenly fell, and I took off. Now she left my house the next day, and I don't really blame her, but she's going around claiming the reason that she left was that I hit her. I am of the opinion (as much as I truly am against woman-beating) that one treats others in a way that one would like to be treated oneself. You don't hit somebody without expecting their instincts to tell them to hit back. While I did not intend to knock her over, even, that was instinctually the only way I could think of to make her back up.

Well I don't know if this will help at all, but maybe sharing it will take a load off my mind.